Rhymes

Hello!


I provide rhyme, rant and song shows for community groups and anyone interested. Songs accompanied by classical guitar/ukulele. Plenty of absurd (but true) anecdotes too, along the way.
Please email me at katewilliams.poetry.gmail.com for details.

Fee: £55 for a one-hour show + travel @ 30p per mile round trip from location near Cardiff
(+ contribution towards overnight accommodation and other expenses or requests, as applicable).



Texting hazards

This guy I knew called Lee
was always texting me.
Wherever he went, a text he sent,
until he walked into a tree.


The Pros & Cons of automatic

Press of a button,
click of a key,
touch of a tab,
and enter ID.

Drop of a coin,
swipe of a card,
turn of a dial
and count up to three!

Forget human mind!
Leave brain behind!
Go automatic - it's easy...

Oh, what's up?
Something got stuck?
Press every button...
Click every key...
Count up to a hundred and three!

Tap it, shake it, give it a clout!
No, nothing coming out?
Oh, forget it! Up the spout.
Hi-tech automatic? Pathetic.


Computers 

Computers are wonderful
when they work.
When they don't,
they drive us berserk.


Wrapping up that football

Bought some paper
(two pound a sheet).
Wrapped it round -
didn't quite meet.

Back down shop
to buy some more...

Then back down
with another two pound -
last sheet tore.

One-to-none Chat at the Dentist

Open wide! Wider please!
Hold it there while I cram in these.

There we are! Now, tell me who you are -
what do you do and have you come far?

Doctor's Waiting Room

I'm waiting in the waiting room,
waiting for my turn,
watching others come and go,
watching the clock hands turn.

I'm waiting in the belating room,
exasperating room,
nerve-end-grating, pulse-palpitating,
heart-rate-accelerating room!

When I arrived, I was in top form.
Now I've got headache and heartburn.
Should 've brought with me a flask of tea -
and a Shakespeare play to learn!


Weekend Buses

Lunch till tea:
no sign whatever.
Then a bunch of three
in a line together.


Costly Things, Cars Are!

Driving, driving, driving car
down to garage: just that far.

Car up ramp; me down bank.
Know the verdict though not heard it.
Ooh, ow, aaahhh!

Sat Nag

'Turn right at the junction - RIGHT, I say!'
Well, I've chosen a different way.

'Humph! Recalculating,' says she.
I've turned off for petrol - can't you see?

'Do a U-turn -  a U - ' 
Don't shout!
I'll turn you off if you don't watch out!

'At roundabout...'
What roundabout?
If you were 3D
I'd give you a clout.

'In point one miles - '
We're stationary, right?
In point blank miles
it's Night, satellite!

Passenger Announcement

The train due in at Platform One,
from Nottingham, has not begun.
The train due in at Platform Two
has been divided into two.

The train due in at Platform Three
has broken down at Coventry.

The train due in at Platform Four,
to Crewe, passed through an hour before.

The train due in at Platform Five
is cancelled and will not arrive.

The train due in at Platform Six
is in a siding being fixed.

The train due in at Platform Seven
is approaching Platform Eleven.

The train due in at Platform Eight
will be 40 minutes late...

That's 50... 60... two hours late...
will terminate at Billingsgate.

Passengers who wish to wait,
please check screen for next due date.

We Can, Can We?

We can get a camera on a comet,
but we can't get a bus from A to B.

We can get a camera on a comet,
but we can't get to see our GP.

We can get a camera on a comet,
but we can't get to keep our library.

We can get a camera on a comet,
but we can't get our post till nearly three.

We can get a camera on a comet,
but we can't get a space to park a car.

We can get a camera on a comet,
and next, we'll get one on a star!

So how about getting something somewhere on this earth?
Now, that would be going too far!


And one for old cartoon anoraks:

Batman Comes Undone (published in Poems about Super-Heroes, Macmillan, 1999(?) )

Help, disaster, fire and smoke!
Robin's trod on Batman's cloak!

Torn a rip right up the back.
He'll have to wear his anorak.




Feedback samples:

Thank you so very much for your comedy rhyme evening on Thursday.  It was hugely enjoyed by all, and very many of your verses struck a sympathetic chord in your listeners!
Chair: Solo Seniors, Cardiff.

I have had many complimentary remarks about your performance. It was just right for the event and the people who attended.
D. Hockridge, Chairman, Bethany Baptist Church Members' Club, Cardiff.

Copyright:
All rhymes on this page are copyright Kate Williams
Please contact me on katewilliams.poetry@gmail.com
if you wish to use any of them in any way.
Thank you.

Kate